How Do I Help My Friend with Cancer?

Written by Elle Sproll

What Not to Say

It’s important to reach out to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer, but knowing what to say can be difficult. Here’s one piece of advice that will help throughout your life:

Please don’t compare their cancer to anyone else’s.

It’s not particularly comforting for someone dealing with shock and uncertainty. While intended to be positive, these comparisons can create exhausting mental chatter—on top of the already overwhelming side effects of treatment and the ongoing fear of recurrence.

Why You Can’t Compare Cancer Journeys

When you go through cancer yourself, you quickly realise that everyone’s experience is different.

Factors that make each journey unique:

• Type, stage, and grade of cancer

• Age and genetic factors

• Treatment plans, doctors, and hospitals

• A whole bunch of ‘unknowns’

One of the most disappointing things I heard was,
"So many women survive breast cancer and live into old age."

While it may seem reassuring, hearing that the five-year survival rate is over 90% for early breast cancer patients didn’t help me—because those statistics didn’t take my personal details into account.

For me, a 2cm, stage 2, grade 3, triple-negative tumour at 33 meant I wasn’t in the 90%. My surgeon told me that a double mastectomy wouldn’t significantly reduce my risk, because triple-negative breast cancer is more likely to recur elsewhere—lungs, brain, liver, bones. That was terrifying.

Well-intentioned people would tell me about friends, aunties, and next-door neighbours who survived breast cancer. But even though it was better than hearing about someone who had passed away (seriously, don’t ever say that), it still wasn’t helpful. All I could think was, "That’s not me. That’s not me."

What to Say Instead

The most helpful thing someone said to me was:

“That’s horrible, Elise. Let me help by…”

This matters because "How can I help?" puts the responsibility on the cancer patient to think for you—when they are already overwhelmed and exhausted.

Instead, tell them how you’ll help:

• "I’ll bring over dinner tomorrow night."

• "I can drive you to treatment this week."

• "I’ll clean your house while you rest."

• "I’ll walk your dog every morning."

The Best Gift for Women Undergoing Chemo

If you really want to help, focus on practical support.

Own Your Chemo Care Kit – Essentials

• A designer Bravery Co headscarf

• Moo Goo skincare products for sensitive skin

• Dry mouthwash to ease chemo side effects

• Eye mask & earplugs for better rest

• A guide with tips on controlling chemo side effects

I also offer One-on-One Own Your Chemo Sessions, where I coach women on what to expect during chemo and how to make lifestyle changes to support their bodies.

What Else Can You Do?

Think about what you would need on the most painful, lethargic, and frightening day of your life.

• Delivered meals (cooking feels impossible)

• Uber rides to medical appointments

• Oncology massage for pain relief

• A chemo buddy to sit with them during treatment

• House cleaning (energy is limited)

• Help with childcare or pet care

Flowers are lovely, but they won’t feed or support someone during treatment. Instead, take action.

Bring food, offer a ride, or simply sit with them. Don’t wait to be asked—just do it. These small gestures mean the world.